This is a very personal story of mine. I've suffered for lack of a better word with some form of anxiety for 20+ years. In fact, now that I know what anxiety is I can date my first anxiety/panic attack way back to the summer of 1985. Nowadays, there are self help groups, books and CDs to help people with nervous illness aka anxiety/panic attacks. When I had my first attack in 1985 I'd never thought of anxiety as a potential problem. I was very healthy, active and I had a good job! At that time very little was written about anxiety in my world of health clubs.
When my anxiety really took hold of me in 1992 I was lucky enough to have a multiple sclerosis counselor who knew of an Australian doctor by the name of Dr. Claire Weekes. Dr. Weekes had written some books on anxiety/panic attacks which were very helpful to me. I'd told my MS counselor about some nervous problems I'd been having and she suggested reading Dr. Weekes' books. I also learned that I'm not the only one who has anxious moments! It's worldwide! In Dr. Weekes' books she helped to explain how to face and overcome panic attacks. I eventually read four of Dr. Weeke's paperback books and I still have them around somewhere for occasional reading. But back in '92 I'd even carry a book or two with me and read them when I had an anxious moment. To be honest I felt like a real nutcase! lol Nowadays, I can laugh thinking back to my really anxious days. Now in 2008 I still have an anxious moment or two every once in a while but I know what it is now and how to control it.
Back in 1985 I was the general manager of two health clubs. I was only 26 years old. I thought I had the world by the tail. I loved the health club business and eventually I wanted to own a club of my own someday! One hot July day in '85 I was climbing up to the roof of the club I managed. I had to change the filters on the air conditioner units. I'm mechanically inept but I tried to do some of the light maintenance at the clubs to save money and changing filters was easy to do. At this particular club I could get on top of the roof by climbing a ladder inside the building. It was very safe and the roof was so huge and flat that I felt very safe when I was up there! On this particular day something happened to me that took me by surprise!
I was climbing the ladder to get to the roof of the club so I could change the filters when something strange happened. This had never happened to me before that I recall! About halfway up the ladder my heart started racing and I broke out in a cold sweat. My legs became weak and I didn't think it was such a good idea to be on a roof so I climbed back down the ladder! I went into my office and sat down. I was shaking, my heart was racing, I was sweating profusely and I was a little lightheaded. I remember taking some deep breaths trying to slow down my heart. It felt like a runaway train in my chest. At this time in my life I was in great physical shape. My heartbeat was usually about 50 beats or less per minute. I felt strange! Could I be having a heart attack? I didn't think so but I'd read about weird heart attack cases before so I thought anything was possible. I was so young and healthy that it didn't make any sense.
I'd never felt this type of thing before. After about 30 minutes of sitting in my chair my heart stopped racing and my cold sweat and light headedness subsided. My mind was wondering what the heck was wrong with me. I remember taking it easy the rest of the day. All I did was some office work and helped customers at the front desk. I had no problems the rest of the day but the next morning I scheduled some tests at the Mayo Clinic in my hometown of Rochester, Minnesota. My hometown was only 90 miles away and it would also give me a chance to see my parents. I went through many tests at the clinic and I had to wear a heart monitor overnight because the doctor wanted to see what my heart was doing. I stayed overnight in Rochester.
I had health insurance at the time. The entire bill was $1,800 which in 1985 seemed like alot of money for a healthy guy to spend on what was basically a physical. I was responsible for 20% or $360. I had the money in savings to pay for that easily and it was good to get a good physical out of the way. I had a nice visit with my parents after my tests and the next morning I dropped off my heart moniter. I then drove the 90 miles back to where I lived and I remember telling myself to relax more and not to take things so seriously. Back then I was always wound up a little too tightly. I didn't even have my tests back yet but I knew that I needed to relax! I was keeping track of the two clubs at the tender age of 26. I was mature but looking back it might have been too much. Oh well, I got my physical done and promised myself to take it easier.
I got the results back a few days later and there was nothing wrong with me? I was in good health and in the doctor's report he said that I might want to take some classes to help with nervousness. I didn't really understand that and I was too cocky to ask simple questions. It was years later that I reread that doctor's report and what he was suggesting made more sense to me. The words anxiety, panic, nervous illness and panic attack were never spoken but I was finally able to figure it out in about 1994. What I'd experienced at the health club in 1985 was an anxiety attack. This was the first one and it wouldn't be the last! In future articles I'll tell you about some other anxious moments I've had in the past 20 years!
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Saturday, April 5, 2008
The Catheter Story!
I remember back in May of 1993. I'd gotten married a month earlier and things were looking up! We were happy and a friend of ours was having a party. At the time I was 35 years old and I was starting to realize that getting drunk wasn't as much fun as in the old days which was in the 80's! Anyway, we went to this party. I was drinking beer as usual and having a good time. At about 11pm we decided to go home. When we got home my wife (Leslie) went to bed and I decided to stay up and watch some TV. After about 30 minutes of TV I too fell asleep on my couch. When I woke up it was about 12:30am.
I decided to go to bed but first I would have to relieve myself. I was still urinating the normal way and since I'd had about 8 beers at the party my bladder was full and needed to be emptied. However, when I stood in front of my toilet nothing wanted to come out. I stood there a couple of minutes and because I'd been out drinking and sleeping I was a little wobbly so
I decided to sit down. I took a couple of deep breaths to relax because I'd already begun to think that I wasn't going to be able to urinate and then what would I do? I started to get nervous! My bride of just one month was still asleep in the bedroom and I didn't want to wake her up for the reason of not being able to urinate! She was oblivious to all that was happening!
Being a smart man (lol) I said to myself, what is going on here? Panic, thoughts and questions started racing through my mind? If I couldn't pee (that's easier to spell, lol) would my bladder blow up? Can I die from a bladder blowup? Should I wake up Leslie? I'd been having trouble urinating before but never like this! Now I started to panic. I thought that one way to get me to pee would be to use a catheter. I'd never been cathetered before and like most guys I didn't really care for the thought of doing that! But my bladder felt so full like it was going to burst at any second. I'd now been trying to pee about 30 minutes and nary a drop had come out!
It was now about 1am in the morning. I waited 15 more minutes before going in and waking Leslie. She was groggy from sleep but quickly got up and called the emergency room. She was and still is a very smart woman. There was a hospital only five blocks away from where we lived. She called the emergency room and explained the situation to a nurse there. The nurse said I should lay in a tub of cold water first to see if that would wake up my bladder. If that didn't work then we should come in to the emergency room and they could do something. Well, all the tub did was get my butt wet so we decided to go to the emergency room.
After toweling off and putting on my clothes I tried to stand up. My bladder and stomach hurt so badly that I was now doubled up in pain. Leslie went to get our Jeep and pull it up in front of the apartment complex! I was now sitting in our apartment on a chair waiting for Leslie to help me walk to the front door which was a long distance away. We walked arm in arm to our Jeep and very slowly. I crawled into the front seat of our Jeep and just laid there moaning to myself!
I knew the emergency people were going to have to catheter me to get this urine out of my bladder. As I said cathetering was all new to me so there was some apprehension on my part.
When I went into the hospital there was man there to help people with wheelchairs and directions. He asked me if I wanted a wheelchair and I said yes. He was all ready for me to sit down when I said I just want to push the wheelchair so I could keep bent over. By this time I looked liked a 90 year old man with back problems! But the problem was my bladder was full and needed to be emptied!
I checked in at the front desk and in 10 minutes I was being whisked into an emergency room to take care of my problem. They were going to catheter me so I laid down on a table and I still remember what the nurse said to me. He said this might hurt a little! I also remember what I said to him. I said that catheter can't hurt half as bad as I feel right now! And I was right! As soon as the catheter reached my bladder I felt an immediate relief in my bladder/stomach area! By now it was 2am. The nurse had me lay there for almost 2 hours as my bladder was drained.
A doctor later checked on me and said that most people with MS end up cathing all the time. I didn't really believe that and I never had any problems like that night again! My wife and I drove home about 4am that morning! It had been a long night! The next day I returned to peeing normally again. That was fourteen years ago and I still don't know why that happened? Was I having an exacerbation? I'll never know but it was a preview of things to come.
** Just so people don't have the anxiety that I did on my longest night and especially males it doesn't hurt to insert a catheter. If you put some KY Jelly on the end of the catheter it will slide right up your urethra to your bladder. Once it gets to the bladder you want to make sure the other end is in the toilet bowl because you're going to be peeing! lol
Jon Wegner is a 51 year old resident of West Fargo, North Dakota. He's lived in ND for 6 years now after being lifelong Minnesotan. Jon has multiple sclerosis. Although Jon can still drive his mini van he needs an electric scooter and his rollators (walkers) to get around shorter distances.
I decided to go to bed but first I would have to relieve myself. I was still urinating the normal way and since I'd had about 8 beers at the party my bladder was full and needed to be emptied. However, when I stood in front of my toilet nothing wanted to come out. I stood there a couple of minutes and because I'd been out drinking and sleeping I was a little wobbly so
I decided to sit down. I took a couple of deep breaths to relax because I'd already begun to think that I wasn't going to be able to urinate and then what would I do? I started to get nervous! My bride of just one month was still asleep in the bedroom and I didn't want to wake her up for the reason of not being able to urinate! She was oblivious to all that was happening!
Being a smart man (lol) I said to myself, what is going on here? Panic, thoughts and questions started racing through my mind? If I couldn't pee (that's easier to spell, lol) would my bladder blow up? Can I die from a bladder blowup? Should I wake up Leslie? I'd been having trouble urinating before but never like this! Now I started to panic. I thought that one way to get me to pee would be to use a catheter. I'd never been cathetered before and like most guys I didn't really care for the thought of doing that! But my bladder felt so full like it was going to burst at any second. I'd now been trying to pee about 30 minutes and nary a drop had come out!
It was now about 1am in the morning. I waited 15 more minutes before going in and waking Leslie. She was groggy from sleep but quickly got up and called the emergency room. She was and still is a very smart woman. There was a hospital only five blocks away from where we lived. She called the emergency room and explained the situation to a nurse there. The nurse said I should lay in a tub of cold water first to see if that would wake up my bladder. If that didn't work then we should come in to the emergency room and they could do something. Well, all the tub did was get my butt wet so we decided to go to the emergency room.
After toweling off and putting on my clothes I tried to stand up. My bladder and stomach hurt so badly that I was now doubled up in pain. Leslie went to get our Jeep and pull it up in front of the apartment complex! I was now sitting in our apartment on a chair waiting for Leslie to help me walk to the front door which was a long distance away. We walked arm in arm to our Jeep and very slowly. I crawled into the front seat of our Jeep and just laid there moaning to myself!
I knew the emergency people were going to have to catheter me to get this urine out of my bladder. As I said cathetering was all new to me so there was some apprehension on my part.
When I went into the hospital there was man there to help people with wheelchairs and directions. He asked me if I wanted a wheelchair and I said yes. He was all ready for me to sit down when I said I just want to push the wheelchair so I could keep bent over. By this time I looked liked a 90 year old man with back problems! But the problem was my bladder was full and needed to be emptied!
I checked in at the front desk and in 10 minutes I was being whisked into an emergency room to take care of my problem. They were going to catheter me so I laid down on a table and I still remember what the nurse said to me. He said this might hurt a little! I also remember what I said to him. I said that catheter can't hurt half as bad as I feel right now! And I was right! As soon as the catheter reached my bladder I felt an immediate relief in my bladder/stomach area! By now it was 2am. The nurse had me lay there for almost 2 hours as my bladder was drained.
A doctor later checked on me and said that most people with MS end up cathing all the time. I didn't really believe that and I never had any problems like that night again! My wife and I drove home about 4am that morning! It had been a long night! The next day I returned to peeing normally again. That was fourteen years ago and I still don't know why that happened? Was I having an exacerbation? I'll never know but it was a preview of things to come.
** Just so people don't have the anxiety that I did on my longest night and especially males it doesn't hurt to insert a catheter. If you put some KY Jelly on the end of the catheter it will slide right up your urethra to your bladder. Once it gets to the bladder you want to make sure the other end is in the toilet bowl because you're going to be peeing! lol
Jon Wegner is a 51 year old resident of West Fargo, North Dakota. He's lived in ND for 6 years now after being lifelong Minnesotan. Jon has multiple sclerosis. Although Jon can still drive his mini van he needs an electric scooter and his rollators (walkers) to get around shorter distances.
My Current Life with a Major Disease!
I have the wonderful disease of multiple sclerosis! I'm kidding! Multiple sclerosis (MS) isn't too wonderful and it can be life changing! It's changed my life in some good ways and some bad. MS is a weird disease. What makes me mad is that I look perfectly healthy! In fact, I joke with people that I'm the healthiest looking sick person their ever going to meet! I'm 6 ft tall and weigh about 205 pounds. I should say I'm 6 ft tall when I'm standing up. For all practical purposes my MS took my walking in 2007. I now ride my electric scooter (Max) about 95% of the time.
I had a physical at my doctor's office the week of 3/10/08 and I checked out just great! I live in a little town close to Fargo, ND, USA. I'll soon be moving to West Fargo, ND which is right next to Fargo. My ex and son are moving to West Fargo so I'm going to do that, too. I want to live closer to my son! All my doctors are in Fargo and West Fargo so it makes sense to make this move for me. I currently ride Max everywhere in my little town and I should be able to continue that in West Fargo. People know me as Scooterjon.
I'm looking forward to 2008 because 2007 wasn't much fun. In 2007 my MS got worse. When 2007 started I was walking with a cane and able to get around my apartment pretty well. I still used my scooter when I was outside but I was walking unaided or with my walker in my apartment. I'm now considered to have secondary progressive MS. Now I've lost almost all of my walking!
Now that 2008 is here when I wake up I immediately reach for my walker because it helps with my balance and walking. I can stumble around my apartment but why do that? I had a bad exacerbation (worsening of my symptoms) in February 2008 and during the exacerbation I actually used my scooter even in my apartment as my legs were not working at all! That exacerbation taught me that I could do everything from my scooter including cooking, cleaning, bathing and working!
I’m not feeling sorry for myself and I don't want anyone's pity. I turned 50 years old in March and I've had a great life and I feel it's only going to get better! I'll even admit that I kind of like being disabled the way I am. At least I'm learning to like it! I rest whenever I want to. The best thing about my MS is it got me to quit drinking alcohol (mainly beer) in 1996. I still go to my favorite bar in town to have an occasional beer but I'm no longer "hooked" on it. I never thought I could get along without my beer but I've learned I can and I like my life better as a sober person. I've also found that writing my e-book and articles is cathartic for me
When I was a kid if there was ever a problem at home my father would always say this about the situation, "she ain't no picnic"! I'm sure it was to make us laugh or diffuse a situation and he always said it at just the right time. He probably would have made a great standup comic. However, in his day there was no stand up comedians like there are now and no Comedy Central on TV. But how true that statement was and still is! I thought it would be a great title for my newsletter and blog that I also write for because MS is certainly no picnic!
I feel I can talk about my MS with confidence because my body has experienced just about everything MS can dish out. I was diagnosed in 1991 but since I've been writing articles I now can trace my symptoms back to at least 1980. I've only been in my current condition for the past year and I still feel it's not that bad! I'm still looking forward to the future!
Sometimes I think there must be something wrong with my head. I should feel sadder or something about my situation but I don't. I accept what I have and I'm trying to make the most of the rest of my life! And that's not a bunch of bull, either! My life is still good! I get up in the morning and I go to my computer to check my emails. Then I can write articles about my MS or email to friends. I've been telemarketing for almost 20 years now. In 2007 I started telemarketing diligently for insurance agents in the Fargo, ND area. The agents pay me to schedule appointments for them. It provides me extra money to add to my social security disability checks.
I figure as long as I have my scooter Max who needs legs! I joke with people that walking is overrated anyway! lol Max will be my legs for the next 30 years and I know it sounds weird but that's OK with me. I find myself now using my walker as soon as I get up each morning! This has all happened in the past year. I'm continually amazed at what the human body can do or not do to itself! It's kinda weird to experience losing your legs first hand. I didn't get shot in a war, I didn't have a diving accident and I didn't have a bad car accident. Multiple sclerosis just happened to me. I was born with it!
I always said that when I moved to my little town by Fargo that it would be my last move! Now my ex and son are moving from the town they live in to West Fargo. So guess what I’m also doing? I’ll also be moving by June 1st into West Fargo, ND! I would do anything to live closer to my son. Right now its 20 miles to get him and bring him back to my little town. Gas is too expensive nowadays and the fatigue from my MS just wipes me out when I drive that much. I don’t think of the move too much because it overwhelms me right now. I already have an apartment picked out and it’s only 3 blocks from where my son will be living. I’ll be able to be a regular Dad and see him everyday! Now that makes me happy!!
I had a physical at my doctor's office the week of 3/10/08 and I checked out just great! I live in a little town close to Fargo, ND, USA. I'll soon be moving to West Fargo, ND which is right next to Fargo. My ex and son are moving to West Fargo so I'm going to do that, too. I want to live closer to my son! All my doctors are in Fargo and West Fargo so it makes sense to make this move for me. I currently ride Max everywhere in my little town and I should be able to continue that in West Fargo. People know me as Scooterjon.
I'm looking forward to 2008 because 2007 wasn't much fun. In 2007 my MS got worse. When 2007 started I was walking with a cane and able to get around my apartment pretty well. I still used my scooter when I was outside but I was walking unaided or with my walker in my apartment. I'm now considered to have secondary progressive MS. Now I've lost almost all of my walking!
Now that 2008 is here when I wake up I immediately reach for my walker because it helps with my balance and walking. I can stumble around my apartment but why do that? I had a bad exacerbation (worsening of my symptoms) in February 2008 and during the exacerbation I actually used my scooter even in my apartment as my legs were not working at all! That exacerbation taught me that I could do everything from my scooter including cooking, cleaning, bathing and working!
I’m not feeling sorry for myself and I don't want anyone's pity. I turned 50 years old in March and I've had a great life and I feel it's only going to get better! I'll even admit that I kind of like being disabled the way I am. At least I'm learning to like it! I rest whenever I want to. The best thing about my MS is it got me to quit drinking alcohol (mainly beer) in 1996. I still go to my favorite bar in town to have an occasional beer but I'm no longer "hooked" on it. I never thought I could get along without my beer but I've learned I can and I like my life better as a sober person. I've also found that writing my e-book and articles is cathartic for me
When I was a kid if there was ever a problem at home my father would always say this about the situation, "she ain't no picnic"! I'm sure it was to make us laugh or diffuse a situation and he always said it at just the right time. He probably would have made a great standup comic. However, in his day there was no stand up comedians like there are now and no Comedy Central on TV. But how true that statement was and still is! I thought it would be a great title for my newsletter and blog that I also write for because MS is certainly no picnic!
I feel I can talk about my MS with confidence because my body has experienced just about everything MS can dish out. I was diagnosed in 1991 but since I've been writing articles I now can trace my symptoms back to at least 1980. I've only been in my current condition for the past year and I still feel it's not that bad! I'm still looking forward to the future!
Sometimes I think there must be something wrong with my head. I should feel sadder or something about my situation but I don't. I accept what I have and I'm trying to make the most of the rest of my life! And that's not a bunch of bull, either! My life is still good! I get up in the morning and I go to my computer to check my emails. Then I can write articles about my MS or email to friends. I've been telemarketing for almost 20 years now. In 2007 I started telemarketing diligently for insurance agents in the Fargo, ND area. The agents pay me to schedule appointments for them. It provides me extra money to add to my social security disability checks.
I figure as long as I have my scooter Max who needs legs! I joke with people that walking is overrated anyway! lol Max will be my legs for the next 30 years and I know it sounds weird but that's OK with me. I find myself now using my walker as soon as I get up each morning! This has all happened in the past year. I'm continually amazed at what the human body can do or not do to itself! It's kinda weird to experience losing your legs first hand. I didn't get shot in a war, I didn't have a diving accident and I didn't have a bad car accident. Multiple sclerosis just happened to me. I was born with it!
I always said that when I moved to my little town by Fargo that it would be my last move! Now my ex and son are moving from the town they live in to West Fargo. So guess what I’m also doing? I’ll also be moving by June 1st into West Fargo, ND! I would do anything to live closer to my son. Right now its 20 miles to get him and bring him back to my little town. Gas is too expensive nowadays and the fatigue from my MS just wipes me out when I drive that much. I don’t think of the move too much because it overwhelms me right now. I already have an apartment picked out and it’s only 3 blocks from where my son will be living. I’ll be able to be a regular Dad and see him everyday! Now that makes me happy!!
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
MS Can Do Whatever It Wants To Do!
This article may sound a little negative or sound like I’m feeling sorry for myself but I’m not. I’m turning 50 on March 9th and I guess I thought my life would be a little different than it currently is. Oh well! Even with my MS I have a lot of things going well for me and I can look forward to the next 50 years. I don’t want to burst anyone’s bubble or infer that people with MS will turn out like me. We know that everyone’s MS is different. Multiple sclerosis really is an individual disease and maybe that’s what’s so frustrating for me. I can’t turn to another person with MS and say, “how did you react to this situation like a person who’s had heart surgery or something like that”. It’s different for everybody! There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to it. It can do whatever it wants to do!
Another reason for my negativity is that the month of February 2008 was a terrible month for me. I’ll be blunt. It’s really sucked! During the first week of February my computer’s hard drive froze up and as of now I’ve lost everything. There might be hope down the road but I’m not holding my breath. It took me two weeks to find a guy to get me a different hard drive and program it for me. For only $200 US! I had documents that I use for my work, all my old newsletters, my e-book about my MS and most importantly I had about 100 pictures of my son on it from age 3 until the present. I had some really good pictures on there of my little Matty! I’m prejudiced but he’s a cutie and the light of my life! I’m not computer savvy so I never knew that a hard drive could freeze up like that. Of course now everyone says I should have had a backup hard drive or made copies of my pictures. Do you think someone could have suggested that before this happened? Noooo! My computer is only two years old and other computers that I’ve owned seemed to run forever with no problems like this. I learned something new at my ripe old age!
About the same time as all this computer business was going on I had the exacerbation of exacerbations! It wasn’t that bad but what made it worse was that it took my walking completely! The left side of my body was also in a state of numbness or tingling. It’s a hard feeling to describe. It’s not really numb and it’s not like my tingling toes. I do know that when the physician’s assistant for my neurologist got out his safety pin and started poking me I could feel it so it wasn’t completely numb. All I know is that I feel a different feeling when I’m numb like that. As I said besides my numbness I had great difficulty walking. In fact I couldn’t walk at all! I couldn’t even use my walker because my legs just didn’t move. For the past three weeks I’ve primarily used my scooter to do everything including cooking, laundry, bathing and cleaning. Some of you may know this because I sent out an email telling folks of my problems. One thing I learned is that I can survive as long as I have my scooter!
However, the one thing I worried about the most never happened. I thought I would have troubles loading and unloading my scooter. Anxiety was building as I wondered how I would do this simple task with no leg power at all. I have a van and when I load my scooter I have to take off the seat first and then load the scooter with the lift that’s in the van. When my legs are good I can stand up and take the seat off the post. Then I use the lift to steer the body of the scooter into the back of the van. My fear was that with the ice and snow of North Dakota, USA I wouldn’t be able to do this because my legs were so weak.
Here’s what I ended up doing. I sat on the back end of my van and park my scooter really close to the back bumper. As I was sitting there I could put my feet under my scooter making it impossible for them to slip around. Then I lifted the seat off as I was sitting. Then grabbing and leaning on the lift I was able to put my scooter in the back fairly easily. That was the loading and unloading was even easier! I was able to get my scooter off easily with my lift and again parked it so I could sit on the back end of my van and hook my feet. From there I could reach my seat and the post where the seat had to go. I had no problems with slipping on the ice or snow. My anxiety was relieved and I was able to go in for three days of steroids for an hour each.
The steroids was two weeks ago and I’m walking better with my walker in my apartment. I also have more feeling on my left side. It’s not perfect but it’s better than it was. I’m continually amazed at what the brain and body will do when challenged by an exacerbation or similar problems. Some people in wheelchairs or on scooters have always said to me that I should walk as long as I can. I agree with that but I’m also now thinking like this. If I’m tired or having problems why not just ride my scooter? Screw it! Fatigue is a major problem for me and why waste what energy I have for walking or for that matter walking with my walker? I accept that some day I won’t be able to walk so why should I sugarcoat it to myself and others that I can walk. I’d rather ride my scooter so I can make 50 more telephone dials for my business. I can’t walk and I know that I can’t walk!! Enough said!
It seems I couldn’t get a break in February as we approach the first of March. Now, I got a cold and cough which I never like to get because my immune system sucks. Colds seem to last a week or two longer for me than other people. I try to stay clear of sick people as much as I can. But in the northern plains of the USA everything is shut up because of winter so when one person gets sick they pass it on to others. I’ll quit complaining now!! lol I kind of rambled on there but this last exacerbation has taught me that it doesn’t matter what I do. I’m eating better (even veggies), taking my copaxone everyday, trying to get my sleep, I don’t drink alcohol anymore and then I still have a whopper of an exacerbation! MS can do whatever it wants to do to a person. That’s what I’ve surmised and I’ll go with that!
Another reason for my negativity is that the month of February 2008 was a terrible month for me. I’ll be blunt. It’s really sucked! During the first week of February my computer’s hard drive froze up and as of now I’ve lost everything. There might be hope down the road but I’m not holding my breath. It took me two weeks to find a guy to get me a different hard drive and program it for me. For only $200 US! I had documents that I use for my work, all my old newsletters, my e-book about my MS and most importantly I had about 100 pictures of my son on it from age 3 until the present. I had some really good pictures on there of my little Matty! I’m prejudiced but he’s a cutie and the light of my life! I’m not computer savvy so I never knew that a hard drive could freeze up like that. Of course now everyone says I should have had a backup hard drive or made copies of my pictures. Do you think someone could have suggested that before this happened? Noooo! My computer is only two years old and other computers that I’ve owned seemed to run forever with no problems like this. I learned something new at my ripe old age!
About the same time as all this computer business was going on I had the exacerbation of exacerbations! It wasn’t that bad but what made it worse was that it took my walking completely! The left side of my body was also in a state of numbness or tingling. It’s a hard feeling to describe. It’s not really numb and it’s not like my tingling toes. I do know that when the physician’s assistant for my neurologist got out his safety pin and started poking me I could feel it so it wasn’t completely numb. All I know is that I feel a different feeling when I’m numb like that. As I said besides my numbness I had great difficulty walking. In fact I couldn’t walk at all! I couldn’t even use my walker because my legs just didn’t move. For the past three weeks I’ve primarily used my scooter to do everything including cooking, laundry, bathing and cleaning. Some of you may know this because I sent out an email telling folks of my problems. One thing I learned is that I can survive as long as I have my scooter!
However, the one thing I worried about the most never happened. I thought I would have troubles loading and unloading my scooter. Anxiety was building as I wondered how I would do this simple task with no leg power at all. I have a van and when I load my scooter I have to take off the seat first and then load the scooter with the lift that’s in the van. When my legs are good I can stand up and take the seat off the post. Then I use the lift to steer the body of the scooter into the back of the van. My fear was that with the ice and snow of North Dakota, USA I wouldn’t be able to do this because my legs were so weak.
Here’s what I ended up doing. I sat on the back end of my van and park my scooter really close to the back bumper. As I was sitting there I could put my feet under my scooter making it impossible for them to slip around. Then I lifted the seat off as I was sitting. Then grabbing and leaning on the lift I was able to put my scooter in the back fairly easily. That was the loading and unloading was even easier! I was able to get my scooter off easily with my lift and again parked it so I could sit on the back end of my van and hook my feet. From there I could reach my seat and the post where the seat had to go. I had no problems with slipping on the ice or snow. My anxiety was relieved and I was able to go in for three days of steroids for an hour each.
The steroids was two weeks ago and I’m walking better with my walker in my apartment. I also have more feeling on my left side. It’s not perfect but it’s better than it was. I’m continually amazed at what the brain and body will do when challenged by an exacerbation or similar problems. Some people in wheelchairs or on scooters have always said to me that I should walk as long as I can. I agree with that but I’m also now thinking like this. If I’m tired or having problems why not just ride my scooter? Screw it! Fatigue is a major problem for me and why waste what energy I have for walking or for that matter walking with my walker? I accept that some day I won’t be able to walk so why should I sugarcoat it to myself and others that I can walk. I’d rather ride my scooter so I can make 50 more telephone dials for my business. I can’t walk and I know that I can’t walk!! Enough said!
It seems I couldn’t get a break in February as we approach the first of March. Now, I got a cold and cough which I never like to get because my immune system sucks. Colds seem to last a week or two longer for me than other people. I try to stay clear of sick people as much as I can. But in the northern plains of the USA everything is shut up because of winter so when one person gets sick they pass it on to others. I’ll quit complaining now!! lol I kind of rambled on there but this last exacerbation has taught me that it doesn’t matter what I do. I’m eating better (even veggies), taking my copaxone everyday, trying to get my sleep, I don’t drink alcohol anymore and then I still have a whopper of an exacerbation! MS can do whatever it wants to do to a person. That’s what I’ve surmised and I’ll go with that!
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